Reviewed by: Rob Miller
3 OUT OF 5
I think my biggest pet-peeve is when overweight people proclaim, “I have no idea why I’m fat." This is usually said whilst they are feasting on fast food or licking their plate clean.
I mean if you’re overweight at least don’t play dumb about it… unless you really are dumb.
If you fall into this category (or are just really good at feigning stupidity) here is a list of real reasons why you’re a fat ass.
Bacon is Not Meant to be a Condiment
It’s salty, greasy and oh so tasty, but it is not meant to be used on everything.
These heavenly slices of pig-side can be used to enhance the flavors of bland foods, put in soups or even used (in moderation) on top of burgers.
It’s when you decide to fry up the entire pound and pluck it down on…well…everything, that it becomes a problem.
If you find yourself adding bacon to give a boost of flavor to your bacon sandwich, then just know this is one of the REAL reasons you’re a fat ass!
The True Meaning of Life is Not…Live to Eat
Who doesn’t enjoy sitting down to a great meal?
But at some point you need to back away from the buffet and get on with life.
Counting the moments until your next feast is unhealthy and, let’s face it, a little sad.
We have taken food from its intended purpose of fueling our bodies to making it the center of our universe.
I haven’t met any guru that will recommend you meditate on images of spaghetti and meatballs, while you softly repeat the word “yum." If you think chowing down massive amounts of baked, fried and sugary foods is the way to true happiness, then this is another REAL reason you’re a fat ass!
Rapid Eye Movement is Not an Exercise
Falling into REM sleep does not constitute as exercise.
Yes, your eyelids do move “rapidly” during this stage, but it is not enough to burn off that meat-lovers pizza and bucket of Ben and Jerrys you devoured before you went to bed.
The only way sleeping will allow you to lose weight is if you fall into a coma for the next few months and are only fed by a tube.
And no, Micky-D’s does not come in liquid form.
If you are counting on REM to melt away those bulges then this is one of the REAL reasons you’re a fat ass!
Dunkin Donuts Knows Your Name
Unless you own a donut store, it is NOT normal for everyone to call out your name when you walk into the building.
Plus, your picture shouldn’t be hanging there with “customer of the year” emblazoned on it, nor should you be getting ‘thank you’ cards from them or having a special donut named after you.
All these incidents should be a clue as to the REAL reason you’re a fat ass.
Burning Calories Does Not Mean Setting Fire to the Label
Consuming a couple boxes of cookies, then setting fire to the packages is a great way to recycle (and to get rid of the evidence), but it will not keep those calories from accumulating.
It also won’t work if you deep fry those chicken drumsticks until their charred, the calories still remain.
The only way this will work is if you actually catch fire to the entire house and you’re forced to evacuate.
If you have set fire to candy wrappers or still eaten burnt food in hopes of this working, then it is another REAL reason you’re a fat ass.
A Wheel of Cheese is Not a Single Serving
Cheese is very Gouda (pun intended) and those Kia-sized-cheese-wheels are sure to be a fantasy come true for all you over-indulgers.
I have seen this macro-cheese displayed in grocery stores, with smaller cheese packages around it, although, I have never seen anyone actually purchase this mozzarella-monster so I assume it’s for display purpose only.
But if you have actually bought this cheese, then sat down to consume it, this is another REAL reason you’re a fat ass (and constipated)!
Wearing a “Petite” at a Plus-Size Store is Not the Same as Being Petite
Being the “smallest” size at a plus-size store, can lure you into thinking you are actually small.
It’s true you are smaller than the biggest, but it should be a warning sign for the road ahead – a sign that has a big red “X” over a heaping plate of food.
Making this changeover from the largest (in a normal retailers) to the smallest in this specialty store is a mind game, one that virtually screams, “hey, you’re a petite here.
Go ahead and shlep on down to the food court and inhale that poutine!" If this is what your philosophy is, then it’s another REAL reason you’re a fat ass!
You Consider Butter as a Lubricant
This golden-goodness is oh so delicious melted on various foods, but when you are buying it in the case it’s delivered to the store in, you have a problem.
Plus, you have a bigger problem if you purchase it in bulk because you need to use it as a lubricant.
Popping people out of bathtubs because they are stuck, is not one of the uses the advertisers use to peddle this ware.
If you need butter to get out of the bathtub, this is a REAL reason you’re a fat ass.
And if you’re eating butter in the bathtub…well…that’s another REAL reason why you’re a fat ass.
Eating Tiny Food is Not an Excuse to Eat More
Party food can be very delicious and is usually served in small portions and with toothpicks.
These little delicacies are usually high in flavor, salt and, of course, calories.
Stuffed mushrooms, mini-sandwiches with the crust cut off and shrimp cocktails are all popular party foods.
But just because you use a thin piece of wood to eat with, lose the crust and call it “shrimp” does not make it calorie-free.
If you find yourself stuffed with tiny food and a pocket full of toothpicks, then this is a REAL reason you’re a fat ass!
Ordering From the “Lighter Side” on a Menu is Not Considered Appetizers
Menus feature food they claim to be less fattening to encourage heavier folks and dieters to eat at their restaurants.
These choices are a great way to still enjoy a meal, without worrying about blowing your diet.
But a REAL reason you’re a fat ass is if you begin with one of these meals as a starter.
Consuming entire meals (even if they are “light”) before you order a full lobster dinner is only going to make getting out of the bathtub even more difficult.
So be sure save some of that melted butter that came with your seafood.
This article was written with the intention of being funny.
If you are a fat ass or plan to become a fat ass in the future, then I apologize for the implications and all I can say is…pass me the butter.
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